Day 30: Love Drunk

i got so drunk on thursday night.
before the super twirling of my head and vomitting like deadshit, everything was uber fun in the club.
drinking beer to vodka then to long island.
nice.
i was always sober, just that the effect of alcohol sets in and i realised i couldnt walk straight, i couldnt stand, and my heart was pumping faster in that 1hour.
hahaha, i got to say i love the clubbing cause i got to get closer to him.
got everyone high and going.
i love partying, especially when im free.
i got nothing to care about, and i dont need to.
i guess freedom is intrinsic in geminis.
in short, i love thurs, minus all the lightheadedness and vomitting,
i still love thurs night.

* * *

no matter how much they would like us to get back,
deep down in you,
you know.
you know you didnt want to.
you knew the supper doesnt help.
you knew just words couldnt piece things back.
you knew thats final.
it will take a miracle to start afresh.
because trust and faith arent easy to build.
because not both sides reciprocate.
because maybe thats the end.

i think no matter how much i love you, or had loved you,
it doesnt change the accumulation of mistrust and resentment in us all.
why not let yourself go, not be bounded and follow what you've always wanted to do?
chase the girls that are more worthy, more compatible, better in all other ways?
and maybe thats why we dont deserve each other.

you can search for the one for you again.
you can go.
then maybe i can go too.
then some time later in life we would reminisce only the good times we had.
and embrace another new love again and not repeat the mistakes we once committed on each other.

and we learnt to be a better person altogether.
i blessed you.

Day 27: Glass

我放弃了
不想了。

Day 26: Revenge

do what you like k.
do whatever that hurts me.
do it.

Day 21: Matters

what it meant and why it matters.
what he meant and why he matters.

i love to do this.
its gives me solace.
praying for him tonight,
as always.

Day 20: Kept

我把想说的话放进心里了

祝福你，今天、永远，
幸福

Day 19: Actualization

i was born to fall in love.
i was born for a greater cause.
no shortcuts.
no escape.

i pray that you're happy, and safe.

Day 18: Dampened

i wanna school to start.
and it looks like this thought welcomed dampening spirits of others.
school is forever fun.
mugging alone, is enjoyable as always.
i cant spell out the joy with an avenue for quality time myself.
its just not something normal human beings can comprehend.
i dont blame them.
because we are so used to companies we are afraid we are robbed out of this moment and taste loneliness again.
but,
we are all alone to start with.
alright, who could take that chance and go shopping alone,
watch that favourite movie alone,
sipped off that cup of drinks alone,
sit and read a nice novel, alone?
and when you're already not alone.

we all do crave personal space sometimes.
we all do, undeniably, if you exclude those despo people on earth.
we all need it somehow.
to think, to spend, to be alone.

i've always firmly believe being alone is never wrong or with comtempt.
having someone is another bonus, just another pluspoint in our life.
but we shouldnt mourn nor reject that some people, unfortunately like me,
just loves being alone sometimes.
not always, but at times i crave moments being alone and i always reminisce them afterwards.

till i learn how to love the one i love,
i do deserve being alone for the time being.
i do deserve time for my own.

Day 17: Goodness

and it happen again.
alright, my inspiration just flew off.

praying still.

Day 16: Wonders

couldnt stop time, couldnt turn back nor ahead.
what was the terrifying hold back pulling myself away from dreams?
and pushing me forcefully to reality?
what wonders if time could freeze momentarily,
what wonders will it be to turn back time.
but these are all dreams,
by dawn, we will all float back to reality.

what was i afraid of anticipating,
and what was i not?

i prayed for his safety tonight
as i fall asleep till the next time passed.

Day 15: In Advance

as i wrote this
i wrote this in advance.
this feeling of loss gets greater and deeper as the day goes.
as i was asking questions in the previous post,
i wasnt really seeking for answers.
it was just some rhetorical questions,
for myself.
for some thinking over,
for some reflections,
for some time myself.

i didnt want to care about how others feel anymore.
i want to start caring about how i feel.
what i feel about now,
what i feel about the past,
and what i really feel about the future.
i thought i've ponder about the future too many times already.
but i just want to feel assured.
by someone.
whoever.
just some one.

no matter how i deny,
the organ at the left of my chest,
must admit that,
im still waiting somehow.
i saw resistance.
but that doesnt let me go.
and im still waiting.
undeniably.

maybe im just afraid i may be right about some things,
thats all.

Day 14: Irediscent

as the days near,
i got this mixed feelings.
was i hoping for his return, or was i just hoping for serenity?
waiting on the edge of unknown,
what was i hoping for?

i felt the gravity of tempered grace,
falling into empty space
with no one to catch me in their arms,
what was i hoping for?

when i saw a friend of his tonight from his return,
i felt this emptiness in me again.
i wanted to leave at that very instance,
i've always want to escape.
i want to shake him away in my mind.
i had to leave.

was i faking a smile,
or was i really happy?
and what on earth in this 14 days,
did i really hope for?

i have not heard the calling within me.
i have not heard it.
and perhaps still searching,
what exactly was i searching for?

a friend said he didnt cherish me.
but what if roles changed,
what if aggressions changed,
what if i was part of this?
what was i hoping for upon this?

and what was he hoping for?

safety,happiness and well-being of his as i prayed tonight for the one i love, again.

Day 13: Answers

i guess sometimes in life,
we do not need answers.
what we need are directions, guidance, signs.
we will have demurs, doubts, questions.
we will never know ahead.

i got no answers.
and probably never will.
but it doesnt matter.
cause we live by faith and let it lead our way.

i had a great shooting today.
perhaps from all the laughters i heard today,
feel today,
see today,
maybe im already content.
my life is fulfilled that instance.
its blissful to think.

so, as always,
i prayed for his safety today.
too, his happiness.

Day 12: Prayers

i prayed for his safety,
tonight and as always.

Day 11: Surround

packed my room today.
threw some.
bought some.

i guess life's like this.
we lose some, we gain some.

Day 10: Tonight

i learnt how to smile to myself today.
its a happy feeling all together.
i got a good news from a good friend.
to me, a happy news is a good one.
amidst the heavy dangling emotional baggage?
this news is good enough to render me ahead.

and i realised i could be happy just because people around me are.
im amazed by the little mini things that happen to others in life that could affect me,
and therefore, inspires me forever.
i guess this is the meaning and way of life im searching for.
there is fulfillment and contentment.
yes, my spiritual uplifters.

im on another spiritual journey simultneously.
yes, reading will always be the best escapade for my being in this crazy world.

awaits for his return as always,
but this time,
with more courage, with a little more strength.

Day 9: Adjustment

had a long day bbq-ing for foc.
i couldnt really say it was fun cause i got pissed when bbq-ing.
and also simply because, all the faces there?
reminds me of him.
i felt a little suffocated and that baggage of burdened feeling came back yesterday,
i escaped from the crowd which feeds my lonliness at that moment,
so, i left with my friend to somewhere further.

i woke up today having sore throat, tiredness,
and fear.
i hate fear.
totally.
if there's one thing i need to kill,
that would be my innermost fear.

damn.

Day 8: Drenched in Vanilla Twillight

if im not the right one,
if im not the correct one,
if im not the one who could open your drained heart,

then im just not the one.

Day 7: Avalanche

spiritual being on a human journey.

thats it.
there's always something greater than that.

look further.
look ahead.
look out.

and you would know that the world is only but a speck of dusk in our universe.
gotta smile.
gotta live like we're dying.

Day 6: Spiritual journey

its alright to wake up to nothingness.
its alright to wake up being deceived.
its alright to wake up.
its alright to face the truth.

its always right to be alone.
who isnt?

(:

Day 5: Loss Aversion

maybe i've knew the answer long ago.
yes, and always true, fate wins anyhow.
waiting in the most unwaiting manner.
i do not want to drive myself mad
or obsessively crazy over someone.
i love at freewill
and i will always do.

if we all dont see it
relationships are meant to be tested.
at least true ones.
transcends boundary, obstacles and,
time.
but sometimes?
fate would just tear them apart.
and fate always had a reason to.

this period without him may just win me an answer without him forever.
i love to think that if he doesnt matter,
why should i effing do?
(:

Day 4: Heal

take it as a period of self-therapy.
i screwed it up everytime.

Day 3: Emptied with reluctance

how easy it is to stop yourself from all the trepassing of thoughts in that disgusting puny brain of yours?
between pauses of scoops of meals,
i saw his face.
between seconds of laughters,
i saw his face.
between silence of conversations,
i saw his face.
between gaps of passerbys,
i saw his face.
between spaces of sentences,
i saw his face.

within dreams to reality,
i feel him.

Day 2: Forgiveness

we can err and we can fight.
we can hope and we can reconcile.
we can fall and we can run.
but we can choose to love and then forgive.

waiting, always, to love him, again.

Day 1: Close to losing him

the tumoultous fear that stirred up instantly.
it was close to losing him.
flashback and question myself.
how many mistakes did i made in my entire life.
how many times did i allowed myself to err.
how many moments i let myself be rash, irrational.
let my emotions get the better of me.
daunted by regret.
daunted by fear.
daunted by lost.

i was this close to losing him today.
this close.
must have hurt him deeply.
must have been emotive.

it was this close before losing grip.
i held back.
i knew the answer from within, right from the start.

im madly in love with this guy sitting right next to me then.