talk is not even cheap, its free. thats why

thats why we all could take words and use it as a weapon to defend ourselves at the expense of hurting others. all these while, it has become vulnerable. we have become vulnerable to words and the aftermath effects that it has taken on us. with every other words spoken, it either enhance or destroy us. but most of the time, words wear and tear us apart. we may not have realised it, but words, they are powerful. they are strong. they do harm. and they do kill. perhaps we've all been loose with our words, damages are done here and thereafter. if i were to rank the most deadly weapon that incurs no cost at all, it would not be biochemicals nor nuclears.
it would just simply with words spouted.

来来往往

i used to think naively about friends.
i used to daydream the pact friends made.
i used to think that nothing will change and nobody go.
pathetic thinking, isnt it?
to think that people never changes,
to think that people will treat you the same way,
to think that people stay in touch (or made that effort to),
to think that people values you,
to think that people are always nice,
to think that people are true.

then you begin to see the other side.
both of others, and yourself.
does it matter to be always likeable?
does it matter to be always hated?

then again, what does it matter?

there will be that handful of friends that will stand by you.
there will be that handful of friends who share weals and woes.
there will be that handful of friends.
so what if it is only five? or four? or even that only one?
they are, and they exist.
you know those are the only ones who doesnt quit.
doesnt quit on you.

thats,
A friend.

further along the road less travelled

im having this emotional fluctuations recently.
i suspect YLL.
meaning, 要来了.
and all the more when its about 1week later that he's gonna fly off to somewhere dark and far away.

ITS GODAMN ONE WEEK LATER.
AND GODAMN THREE WEEKS AWAY.

good. very good.
how great is this feeling?
tell me, how to control that freaking upset feeling?
no, not control. but curb.
how? how not to feel reluctant?
how not to feel empty?
how not to feel, when we are all only humans?
good. very good.

haiya.
why do i feel so fuck up now.
zzz.

i better be busy.

快乐，然后幸福

如果难过不能掩饰

你相信吗
快乐可以假装出来。

人性是犯贱的

人性总是犯贱

好像没有作贱
贬低自己
就很不舒服

不管是什么理由
是什么条件
是什么借口
人性总是屈服
屈服于自我内心的恶魔
继续放纵自己
继续放任自己

最终
只会逆来顺受
只会听取怂恿
只会迷失自我

其实常笑的人才是最常哭的

a very refreshing genre from rihanna's album.
slow, emotional.
the type of song i would love instantly after the first play.
there's a part of the lyrics that i like too.
enjoy.

* * *

why is it you could bring yourself to do whatever you did
but you realised they dont do the same for you.
then you realised maybe your love is much bigger for them than it is for yourself.
you stepped beyond that line you've drawn for yourself at the very beginnning and you are starting to ponder if you've drawn it slightly too near to yourself that you allowed you to step over it that easily.
you want the deadweight in your mind to go free fall.
but you're on earth and gravity is holding on to that burden tightly.
you wish that you could go somewhere out of earth for awhile and enjoy wandering airily in that space.
you smiled and opened your eyes.
you're still on earth, on your pitiful bed.
in your own pathetic deadweight mind.

3am

that was the timing i slept this morning.
i cant sleep.
having this insomnia issue again.
so i painted my nails at that unearthly timing.
my mind is blank now.
waiting for lunch.

did i

or did i not?


好忙好忙！
忙着两场的迎新会
忙着工作
忙着赴约
忙着过日子
就 好忙啊

累死了
快累死了

* * *

so?
did i or did i not?

my hairstyle?
my countenance?
my height?
my presentation?
my style?
my taste?

my behaviors?
my treatments?
my attitude?
my everything?
me?


did i changed?

忙

been busy.
really busy.
meetups and cca alone has taken up much of my holidays.
im not complaining.
im just glad there's something that keeps me occupied.
there's even work too.
i got the feeling that i dont have enough rest and the precious peaceful sleep that i'd longed for.
i had a sort of nightmare last night, or this morning around 4:43am.
i woke up, not startled, but calmly.
and i was too composed i started pondering why i even had such grotesque and murderous dream.
i tried to shrugged off the dream but i related it to my tutee the morning later.
it was beyond composure anymore.
its too traumatising for me in my dream.
i was practically staring at the particular incident that happened concurrently side by side.
it was too much to take that i woke up, gently.
and then pushing myself to sleep again.
no.
it wasnt because of nightmares that i didnt get the rest i wanted.
its just that im exhausted.
more of like 元气大伤 kind?
i couldnt find my energy anywhere after half a day.
i wonder how i'd to survive ingenium camp.
and now at this godly hour, im still not sleeping but blogging.
i just got home and my hair's still not dry after my bath.
i just keep getting outta home this week.
for work and for play, definitely.

is this what it is like being 20?

听到一股气息

最近
听到了那一般的味道
聆听到的
是他身上的味道

那是沉默
那是无声
那是寂静

可是很香
虽然有时会透不过气来
有时会窒息
但终究很清香

听着听着
那种沉静会让人迷失
会让人昏昏欲睡
会让人着迷

是种毒药
戒不了了

冰冷、冰冻、冰淇淋

off to tuition and shopping wth momsie.

* * *

victorious day!
got myself an exquisite ring and bag!
god, i've only ten fingers!!
and that ring costs 33$ *smiles*
i can't describe how much i LOVE it :)
treat momsie to macs.
she got herself a blouse for her friend's wedding dinner this saturday.
in turn, she borrowed from me a he'll load of assessories hahaha
it's just then I realised I've only a neck to contain thatmany necklaces I had.
gosh, I must be mad.
and spendthrift!
please let me curb this. I need rehab, seriously.

well, another fun day in few hours time with fellow coursemates!
miss them already (:

we kiss we make up

爱 真的那么肤浅？
就那么地 肤浅？
还是因为心太软 心太弱
还是根本就拥有容易屈服的心？

人不像人
鬼不像鬼
恋人就像恋人吗？

很久没好好睡
很久的时候失去自己
我们就不能为自己好好而活一次吗
不然 两次够了吧

这一切是否有帮助
我不知道
为什么就忘了有面对海洋的习惯了
总有一天
我会到那儿

找回灵魂
找回自己

因为太爱自己 所以无法完全爱你

maybe im too selfish.
maybe im too self-centred.
maybe im a narcissist.
maybe i love myself too much,
that i've forgotten how to love somebody else.

* * *

how long more can this go on?
how long more can this drag?
how long more can this sustain?

I FCKING HATE THIS FEELING.
I FCKING HATE THIS LIFE NOW.
I FCKING HATE THIS.

AND I FCKING WANT TO GO TO LOOK AT THE SEA.
I WANT SERENITY.
I FCKING WANT TO ESCAPE.
I FCKING WANT TO LEAVE.
I FCKING WANT A BREAK.
NOW.
NOW.
FCKINGLY NOW!!!!

CAN YOU PLS STOP DOING THIS TO ME!!
SINCE WHEN DID I BECOME FCKING CAREFUL WITH MY WORDS!!
WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT FROM ME!!
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!
WHAT THE FUCK DO I NEED SUCH A LIFE!!

CAN YOU JUST PLEASE GRANT ME DEATH, NOW!!!!!!!

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKMYLIFE.

容忍的人其实并不笨 只是宁可对自己残忍

because we are so used to it
because we are wired in this manner
because we are of such sort

we gave in
we caved in


不能放任 所以放了

只是思考会让人难受 自己出不去 别人进不来

我不是要在你面前表露出我的软弱
更不可能是博取同情的演出
可我已经到了无法释怀的地步
我没法再装聋作哑、假装掩饰我们之间没有问题
我们俩之间 真的是有问题

可庆幸的
我想方设法想彻底解决
我说过了
我是很累
我是很气
但比起这些琐碎的心情
我更爱你

我是想很多
我是很执著
但这些 无可厚非的
我是更想你快乐

我是这么想的
由始至终。

20

what it meant and why it matters

#1. i had someone important.
#2. i had more supportive friends.
#3. i learnt how to cherish my family more.
#4. i learnt how to take things in stride.
#5. i see things, not take sides.
#6. i learn to love myself more.
#7. i grow up.

down

we took it down.
i wanted it down. out.
it was something that pressurize people at the end of the day.
so down was better than up.
people will not speculate.

* * *

2more days to the end of a teens life.
so much for growing up.
i hate responsibilities. i hate duties.
i hate conventions. i hate mainstream.
i hate being an adult in this society.
maybe im too sleepy now to reflect on the 19years of my life.
what i've wasted, what i've spent.
im going to sleep, again, now, after my fruits.

i read this today, again.

The Power of Love.
by Alex Khow on Thursday, July 15, 2010 at 11:40am

Love is the most powerful, magical force in the universe, and there is nowhere it displays its beauty and wonder more than in the intimate relationship between two people.

Some loves between two people endure a lifetime. Others are destined to only last for a while; then, the two lovers are separated, either by choice or by fate. But one thing is true: No matter what the outcome of a relationship, when love enters our lives, it never leaves without transforming us at the very depth of our being.

Love enables us to grow into better human beings. Although love challenges and blesses each of us in unique ways, we are never alone in what we go through.

What defines our intimate relationships? What signs should we look for to discover how love is revealing itself? Sometimes love reveals itself in the unmatched level of understanding and friendship we share with our mate and no one else. Sometimes it is in what is said, and sometimes, what is not said but deeply felt. Sometimes it is in the obstacles we must face together. Sometimes it is in how the joy we feel with our partner spills over to our friends and family members. And sometimes it is in where the relationship takes us inside ourselves - places we would never go willingly; but for love, we will do anything.

Intimate relationships are also powerful teachers. They teach us to be compassionate, caring and forgiving. They teach us when to hold on more tightly, and when to let go. They give us the opportunity to develop great virtues such as courage, patience, loyalty and trust. When we allow them to, our relationships will show us all the ways we need to grow as a person. In this way, love will never enter our lives without changing us for the better.

There are moments when love can be experienced as quite ordinary, expressed in a simple smile of acceptance from our beloved. And in other moments, love seems utterly sublime, inviting us into new worlds of passion and oneness we've never known before. Love reflects every season and mood, and every colour of emotion: sweet beginnings; challenging and deepening intimacy; moments of grief when we are forced to say good-bye to our soul mate; moments of astonishment when we rediscover a love we thought we'd lost.

We might have heard or read some love stories that make us laugh. Some will make us cry. But above all, the stories fundamentally pay tribute to love's ability to endure, beyond years, beyond difficulty, beyond distance, beyond even death.

There is no miracle greater than love. It is your religion's supreme being's most precious gift to us. May love open your heart, uplift your mind, inspire your spirit, and be a sweet companion on your life's journey.

And may your life always be blessed with love.







and i asked, what exactly stood between us?

最终、只是男人的自尊和女人的虚荣在作祟。

isnt it?

guess what?
i packed his stuffs.
those that he given me.
his stuffs.
not mine, anymore.

still, bearing that little hope kills.
i want to live.
happily.
dont he ,too, want it?
no?

whether its achievable with or without him,
i still do want to live and love myself, badly.
fcking badly.
i thought alot.
did he?
are there solutions to this seemingly hopeless us?
or were there no considerations when our hall pass starts and ends?

i listened to songs/musics.
i went out with friends.
i rotted on my bed every night thinking.
i teared on the bus to school just today.
sadly, it do still hurt.
though not that much, it still do.
it always do.
why not?

im off for a 2-day-camp.
im gonna have a hell load of fun.
its not gonna stop me, whatever it is.
im gonna show everybody the raw me.

rebellious.
wild.
young.
FREE.

its me

and nothing changes this season.