回家

 哪裡才是

家

無聊

在這世上

有很多人想證明自己

只是給別人看

我也是

雖然我想找個藉口說

我不是

唯一分別在於

不要一直掛在嘴邊好不好？

我沒問你

我不需要知道

所以不要在我身旁

圍繞著像隻蒼蠅

大聲說話

讓我知道

因為我知道可是

我不想理會？

這個你知道嗎？

我將來會做得

比你們

個

個

好

dull

it gets dull. it gets difficult. 

i get why people choose to leave than stay. it is easier that way. 

but is it really easier?

it is the new year. and it was raining the whole day. the whole island. 

what does it mean?

containing rage is frustrating. 

it is time to contain emotions before it flares.

will it work?

will writing work?

will the mind listen?

the louder the sound the further the distance

marriage is hard
it is hard when we live under the roof of others
it is hard when we have different views on things that matter to either side but not to the other
it is hard when all we do is bite each others’ heads off
it is hard when we want to win desperately
it is hard when we want to get our message across
it is hard when we shout
it is hard when every argument turns into a cold war
it is hard when the louder it gets

the further i go.

that i begin to see cracks
that i begin to fear the future
that i begin to shut myself off
that i take every action to build a facade
that i take all acts and make it to be bitter for myself
that i see every thing as conformity or formality

that i will create more knots inside me.

it is inevitable.
i build more walls to protect myself from harm and hurt.

it is not every battle that i went through without them.

how far can this go?
im not sure if i want to see through it.


by Wakin. in love with this sorrowful bittersweet feeling behind his voice.

作词：李宗盛    作曲：Ryo Aska
爱到尽头 覆水难收 爱悠悠 恨悠悠
为何要到无法挽留 才又想起妳的温柔
给我关怀 为我解忧 为我凭添许多愁
在深夜无尽等候 独自泪流 独自忍受

多想说声我真的爱妳 
多想说声对不起妳
妳哭著说情缘己尽 
难再续 难再续

就请妳给我多一点点时间再多一点点问候
不要一切都带走
就请妳给我多一点点空间再多一点点温柔 
不要让我如此难受

妳这样一个女人 让我欢喜让我忧 
让我甘心为了妳付出我所有


爱到尽头 覆水难收 爱悠悠 恨悠悠
为何要到无法挽留 才又想起妳的温柔
给我关怀 为我解忧 为我凭添许多愁
在深夜无尽等候 独自泪流 独自忍受

多想说声我真的爱妳
多想说声对不起妳
妳哭著说情缘己尽
难再续 难再续

就请妳给我多一点点时间再多一点点问候
不要一切都带走
就请妳给我多一点点空间再多一点点温柔
不要让我如此难受

就请妳给我多一点点时间再多一点点问候
不要一切都带走
就请妳给我多一点点空间再多一点点温柔
不要让我如此难受

妳这样一个女人 让我欢喜让我忧 
让我甘心为了妳付出我所有

Friday 3 April 2020 - Day 24, Saturday 4 April 2020 - Day 25, Sunday 5 April 2020 - Day 26, Monday 6 April 2020 - Day 27

Day 24

usual footsteps to work.
PM Lee's address at 3pm and saw that everyone was chionging to the supermarket again.
seriously dont get what the people are thinking.
PCK says "use your brain use your brain use your brain"
another detailed announcement by DPM Heng will be on Monday.

***

Day 25

brought bb to swim.
the usual routine of weekends.
bb doesnt accept fishy porridge.
gagged and gagged.
made milk for him instead haha

***

Day 26

cooked sweet potato and carrot porridge.
back to the vegetarian sweet taste.
bb passed it hahah
so i conclude that he can only accept these from me:

pumpkin
carrot
sweet potato (orange)

but jiumu side he could accept meat and fish (i think)
why oh why
i should learn how to incorporate more food variation hmmm

perhaps this circuit breaker of a month is a good exploration time.

***

Day 27

grabbed to office to receive photobook delivery
ate for the last time my fav uncle auntie fishball stall and chinese pear juice
head to cck columbarium cause it will close after today with the start of the circuit breaker.
so my parents and i did our baibai to ahgong and ahma.
my dad should feel relieved since we could do ours this year despite the situation.
head back and drop all stuff and went to yewt westcoz' cos my dad craving for the curry fishhead for the last time haha
then we head to ntuc to do some grocery.
all the VEG omg. no yam, dk how to cook yam rice.
head back home to drop our groceries then went to the multipurpose hall to collect our reusable mask.
might be too small for the guys lor cos their head bigger

hanged around home for another hour before heading back.
forgotten to bring back my chicken thigh lol
free for my mum liao lor!
grabbed back and changed out before fetching the little one.
heading to the market tomorrow to see if i can get some chicken thigh.

should start exercise regime soon.

***

i hope the world goes back to before.

Thursday 2 April 2020 - Day 23

usual footsteps.
wfh drawing nearer.
wonder how long will all these last.

our enemy is non-discriminatory and knows no borders.

staying safe and healthy for the people around us, for the bigger us.

Wednesday 1 April 2020 - Day 22

usual footsteps.
some of us are not at work as HBL for prisch kids are on weekly Wednesdays.
finally we are heeding the govt's advisory of moving work to home.
time to get my ass moving and do some exercises and cooking.

time to scroll and research on activities and recipes for 6months-ish babies.

seems like busier to do these than at work.

T-1.

tomorrow's last day of work at workplace till govt's notice.
till a better tomorrow.

stupid virus be gone already!

Monday 30 March 2020 - Day 20, Tuesday 31 March 2020 - Day 21

Day 20

usual footsteps.
no more chairs at upstairs canteen.
dk why our institution are still not implementing wfh.
quite screwed up.

***

Day 21

fun day choosing toilet accessories today!
went to have fish porridge at geylang that shugong brought us to in the morning.
cant wait for everything to be piece up (:
and let bb have all the space to crawl or walk or play.
and introducing discipline and routines on my own

bus back home at around 12ish.
cooked pasta for the fam.
fetch bb back home.
end of day!

side note:
Josephine Yeo state that penalties to be given out to companies who could allow employees to work from home yet didnt implement it.

hey guys look, local transmission is on the rise.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR.
sometimes really dont understand what the management thinking.
zzz

Friday 27 March 2020 - Day 17, Saturday 28 March 2020 - Day 18, Sunday 29 March 2020 - Day 19

Day 17

usual footsteps,
lunch was at jp at kopitiam teppanyaki.
went to ntuc for some grocery and milk powder.
no delivery slots so far online.
walker is here!
but the quality isnt that great.

***

Day 18

went to shifu there to talk about tiling and all.
fengshui is just troublesome and hefty tbh.
sighpie.
head to ikea to get some stuffs.
grab back home at about 6ish close 7pm.

***

Day 19

stay home sunday.
had a good nap from 2.50pm to 5pm.
bb too.
tired from the swim and lack of sleep i guess.
just wanna party all day this one.

on a side note,
bb is getting awake earlier.
will wake at about 6ish close 7am now.
trying to drag his bedtime but still wake at the same time.
lol is this leap 5/6 about being an oldie?
sleeping early waking early.
haha
cant believe he is already 6months old.

some days i make myself  believe i can have another child
some days i thought i should just have him.
some times i dont know myself.

Thursday 26 March 2020 - Day 16

usual footsteps.

***

sometime i just think
mgmt dont value lives enough.

we are one sector that can definitely afford to WFH
come give us stagger work hours
7 - 10am
as long as we fulfill 8h of working hours.

please dont be lames.
read it again yourself.

i come 8am,
colleague come 8.30am
stagger 30mins.
enough ah?

please la.

Tuesday 24 March 2020 - Day 14, Wednesday 25 March 2020 - Day 15

Day 14

usual footsteps to work, then back home.
no anomaly.

***

Day 15

on leave today.
brought bb to jiumu's place because he was feeling under the weather.
went to ubi to look at the selection of tiles for our flat.
done selecting for all the tiles needed at home.
head over to jem to get pacifier and spinach for the little one then grab home.
fetch bb home as well.
thats about that.

***

there were mentions of locking down of our institution.
not sure if its gonna happen. might be next week if it is.
when is WFH gonna start.
this whole commuting to work is really UNCALLED for because we are one industry that can afford to be home working.
i
just
dont
get
it
leh.

Monday 23 March 2020 - Day 13

usual footsteps
usual footsteps
usual footsteps.

***

raining when i went to fetch bb.
hhahah jiu mu lent me her ginormous umbrella (:
today gotta return.

please bopi not gonna rain at end of work.
please please please.

tomorrow choosing tiles!

Tuesday 18 March 2020 - Day 7, Wednesday 19 March 2020 - Day 8, Thursday 20 March 2020 - Day 9, Friday 21 March - Day 10, Saturday 22 March 2020 - Day 11, Sunday 23 March 2020 - Day 12

Day 7

usual footsteps to work.
let me recall where i had for lunch while i am typing this.
i had abc soup and duck rice for lunch, dabaoed from ntu side.
wanted to make full use of the glassware that i bought on Monday.
usual footsteps back after work.

***

Day 8

dropped bb at jiumu's place.
the heart cannot take it more every single day.
i think this is what they call lovesick.
went to ksl to withdraw salary for jiu mu.
bought some ingredients for braised tau kwa/chicken feet for dinner tonight.
turned out to be a success.
at least he likes it.
the fussy one.
fetch bb home and thats that.

***

Day 9

nua on the bed till about 9ish before prepping to head to town and meet ahpang.
very excited cos very long didnt get out of vicinity.
town was as dead.
could really feel the difference from the usual hustle of orchard.
met ahpang for lunch at 11.30am at Taka's Ma Maison.
our usual hangout.
her kwb and fil were there after for lunch as well.
had our usual fruitful chat there.
head to taka baby fair to get a new carrier that could face front.
bb was really happy in it looking out into the world.
was a little guilty pushing the talk. i wished i stopped probing when i didnt know better.
im sorry.
went from taka to paragon mothercare to robinsons heeren to somerset 313.
really really happy doing this on a weekday, always.
back home on bus 700.
went to fetch bb after dropping all the stuff at home and changing out.

***

Day 10

also on leave.
today's plan was to go to my parents' place and nua till 3pm.
visited bestie and bb Elliot after that.
he is soooooo cuteeeeee.
kinda forgotten what bbpigg looks like when he was just NB.
miss some things, dont miss some things.
grab back to fetch bb cos it was running late.
so happy this day too.

***

Day 11

was supposed to join my fam at TPY to look at the tengah projects.
but gave up the idea cos i feel that i dont wanna miss bb's pool time.
i enjoyed doing that. dont wanna give that up.
and feeding bb solids.
such an enjoyment.
bb getting lazy, just wanna play dont want kick and swim like the first 2 days of his first pool time.
nonetheless, still happy to be with him.
lunch home.
bb nap.
rest of fam napped.
he SURE nap. never once dont nap.
what was for dinner...?
oh. the leftovers from lunch earlier. banana leaf.
remembered watching S2 of kingdom all the way.
and felt a lil hungry in bed.
slept it off.

***

Day 12

funday pool day today.
weather was awesome with sun shining and minimal/no wind.
but bad thing was there were mozzies.
stupid bad mozzies.
dipped bb in the pool all the while to avoid bites.
sleepy bb slept after pool and woke up to just a little bit of solids.
brought him to my second bro's place after bb woke from his nap.
mr ali doesnt want to sleep all the way.
kept rubbing eyes and back of head but just didnt wanna sleep.
oh ya. fed him nan 2 at 10.30am, forgotten to mention.
woke up crying madly fiercely at 12ish and 3ish in the motn.
closing his eyes.
and farting according to him.
not sure is it nightmare or wind in his tummy or new fm or too much excitement playing with er jiu.
gonna need to monitor abit if its fm.
and the little red rash at his chin.
need to monitor that.

finally understand what it meant to be happy tired.
cannot sleep even when i could, knowing that he is uneasy/uncomfy/frightened.
i guess,

thats what mothers really are.

WORRYWARTS.
hahaha.
happy WORRYWARTS.

work starts tomorrow.

***
2 deaths from COVID-19 for SG yesterday.
1 death is still too many a death.
lots of WFH arrangement from different sectors, his including. ours not yet.

lets not give up.
lets do this.

Monday 17 March 2020 - Day 6

footsteps were the usuals.
lunch was at jem/westgate again.
fetch little one home and met friends at level 2.
lil one was frightened by strangers.
i was mad guilty i made him scared and cried like this T.T
so sorry baby.

took awhile for him to settle and play and laugh again.
mama is sorry.

went to level 2 to reunite with friends and talked on till 10pm.

done and dusted.

perhaps today should be Day 1 again.

***

going on leave tomorrow onwards!
back to office only next week yays.

Friday 13 March 2020 - Day 3, Saturday 14 March 2020 - Day 4, Sunday 15 March 2020 - Day 5

Day 3 same footprints as Day 2.

***
Day 4
went to ksl in the morning to get remaining prayer stuff for prayers in the afternoon.
head home to brig bb down for a swim, pass Alex the charger for spectra pump, then head to 203 again.
4ish pm then reach home.
then dinner was dabao food from batok i think.
curry fishhead and dishes.
done and dusted.

***

Day 5
got up earlier. play with bb for awhile.
after his late morning nap then brought him down for a swim.
lazy bb doesnt want to move much, just wanna slap water with his non-stop hands.
lunch was out to eat anpang ytf.
bb nap after home and waited for him to wake and fed him pumpkin carrot porridge.
ate 2 filled bowls. hehe
enjoy looking at him enjoy his food.

head out to niece place.
dinner at batok with the fam in full strength, w/o him again of course.
back to parent's place to set up laptop connection for mum.
grab home to see bb is still up but tired haha
so cute.

shower and put him to sleep.
i think its the 3rd day sttn.

very grateful.

Thursday 12 March 2020 - Day 2

usual footsteps yesterday
it is really a norm day

take company bus
work
canteen
off work
bus back
fetch annoying one
home
dinner
sleep

thats it.

thinking of taking leave next wed, thurs and fri.

thurs will be meeting ahpang for lunch yay!

Wednesday 11 March 2020 - Day 1

perhaps amidst all these COVID-19 going on, we should practise some individual social responsibility.

the last time SARS happened, i was p6. there wasnt any knowledge on how to deal with this at that time. we only took our temperature. but we got through it.

i hope this time we can go through it too. and this time, i think we should journal down our daily footsteps so that contact tracing would be easier, if the need arises.

***side note***

BESTIE POPPED YESTERDAY!
bb Elliot has so much hair, nice nose and mouth. and everything ^^
cant wait to visit him when bestie's back at home

***

as usual, i took the company transport at 7.33am opp the condo.
the same usual people got up the bus. but noticeably, with more people putting on their mask.
it must be the news that one of our bus mate was related to safra case 117 and exercise group case 122.
i guess the virus is keeping up with all of us.
i wonder when will it be our turn, or do we already have it inside us all along but our body are stronger than it is? who knows.

got off at the usual dropoff.
nothing much practically happened, just going to the pantry and up to get LJS porridge as breakfast.
wanted to grab starbucks but thought i would just drink my roasted rice tea in office.

lunch was a little late but we went out with DAP, along with 2 colleagues.
if contact tracing was to commence, we'll be prolly in trouble.
went to hawker at jurong west, had fish soup.
daringly $6.50, but couldnt resist their belachan. what to do.

back in office at about 1 going 2pm.
worked till 5.30pm.
took the same bus transport home.
grab my son while he drove us back.

went out to eat zichar with his friends at hokkien hui guan.
back at home about 9pm.
put lil asher to bed after last feed.

i miss him already ):

end of day 1.

temp: 37.1/37.5

***

Presumptious

recently i was talking to another preggy working mum (PWM)
and i came to realize different PWM has different expectations of how others need to treat themselves

treat them nice
treat them better
treat them exceptional
treat them with more patience
treat them with more understanding

i guess there's really not a case of right or wrong here
but only our expectations of ourselves
how we see ourselves as PWM

in another case of another PWM
i guess she's more similar to me in that sense
that we dont expect any exceptions to ourselves
though perhaps we have more understanding bosses and colleagues

but anyways,
PWM vs FTWM
its gonna be another set of challenges
if we keep thinking
people should be taking care of us
more than they should

just because an addition of roles in society

i just beg to differ though.

but we are all entitled to how we think, isnt it?

this beautiful chaos that we have created to disrupt our life

...is turning 5 months old next week on.


its true that when they all say
'the days are long but the years are short'.

im not crying,
you are.

"Dear mom, Thank you for being my safe zone.

I know you may want to sleep alone in a good position, but I feel so safe sleeping next to you. I know you may want me to play on the floor alone, but I love when you do it with me. I know you may want me to sleep longer, but I'm just so afraid you’re not there - so I have to check. I know you may want me to stop cry sometimes but it's the only language I have and I need you to listen.

So, dear Mom, I promise I will grow up soon and don't need you as much anymore. So I hope we can cuddle a lot more, just a little bit longer."

dedicating to those who needs a breath in this world to stay alive

林俊杰

feat. Jason Mraz

I Am Alive

 

 

When I fear the sky might fall;
and no one will hear my call
I take a breath and see;
I've all the strength I need

Days won't be the same; Everything will change
Even mountains over time; must get redefined

I know, I know – life's worth living
I Keep on, I keep on – giving
I'm giving it all I got; Giving it my best shot

I Get up, get up – and keep on trying;
There is no shame in crying
Yesterdays are gone;
I have what it takes I have what it takes– to Hold on!

I am brave and strong; I am every song
I am here to shine;
And I'm not afraid to fly

I am loveable; I am invincible
I am tough enough; And I'm ready to catch
the falling skyyyy…

I am alive.

I am alive.

Yes I am.

The wind is in my face; and I'm feeling out of place
It's me against the entire human race;
I know the dreams I chase
They will not be erased; They are my saving grace

 

I'm gonna make it

I know, I know – life's worth living
I keep on, I keep on – giving
I'm giving it all I got; Giving it my best shot

I get up, get up – and keep on trying;
There is no shame in crying
Yesterdays are gone;
I have what it takes
I have what it takes – to hold on

I am brave and strong; I am every song
I am here to shine; I'm not afraid to fly
I am loveable; I am invincible
And I am tough enough; And I'm ready to catch
that falling sky

I am brave and strong; I am every song
I am here to shine; I'm not afraid to fly
I am loveable;
I'm invincible
And I am tough enough; And I'm ready to catch
the falling sky

I am alive

I am alive

I am alive

Yes I am