affection, is nothing but just another word.

maybe because i dwell too much in the past that it prevents me from stepping forward.

untouched.

i guess i will either die in my sleep(cause im always mad tired),
die of gastric ulcer/cancer(cause im always left with an empty stomach @dinner time),
or just die because of you.

should really go into hiatus,
school & work is eating my time and engulfing me soon!

我不会再为任何人哭泣。

the gap that i can never close.
thats why im choosing to give you up.

P/S. 人本来就寂寞的。

再多的爱也没用.

就让我一个人去痛到
受不了伤到快疯掉
死不了就还好.

会有什么
什么都没有
早点看破 才看的见以后.

我就不相信我会笨到
忘不了赖着不放掉
人本来就寂寞的.



我总会把你戒掉.

never love anything that cannot love you back.

how can you get the signs?

“ The best part of having a relationship is getting to call the person or lay down next to them and tell them all the crazy things that happened to you all day long. And in the end that’s what it’s about, kids. It’s not about the sex, it’s not about the money that they give you or whatever. It’s not about how good-looking they are, it’s about, can they listen to you talk for hours and hours and hours about stupid shit that doesn’t matter. And if they can, then you’re meant to be together forever. Even if that means you have to call them 100 times, that’s okay. ”
— Tegan Quin

tonight is the answer.

i wish i could drown my hopes with mango milkshake.

















P/S.
[c=#9F6FBF]慧.[/c] says:
see . eat dao yr heart liao


***

The mind of a Gemini female never settles down at one place and her thoughts are always wandering.
In her youth, she is least likely to be bounded by a relationship or commitment. She may love your most irritating habits one minute and be extremely sarcastic about your new stylish haircut the very next. Maturity may bring a little bit stability in her. All this doesn't mean that Gemini women are not romantic at all. Infact, for them, romance is the one of the easiest means of communication.
Since they always have some thoughts to express, romance never goes out of their life. However, commitment is an entirely different term.
Gemini woman will be full of the small, sentimental gestures that keep alive the romance in a relationship. She will always find new ways of telling you how much she loves you and will shower you with her alluring charm. She may act like a typical woman at one point of time, be a nervous wreck the other minute and engage in an intelligent conversation the very next second. She has the feminine charms, but she will never be clinging on to you. One thing that you will never find in a Gemini woman's characteristics profile is monotony and boredom.
She finds something good in all the men she meets and then, wants a man who has all of those qualities. However, this can't be and then, she keeps longing for that perfect man! She can be your best friend, your sports partner, your racing competitor and your lover, all at the same time. Just remember one thing, she is single-handedly giving you all this, so don't expect consistency from her. A Gemini female can look at other guys, even when she is sincerely in love with you. Change is in her nature and she has to learn to control her own behavior. Just make sure to keep her interested in you and she will remain totally devoted.
She will never be suspicious of you and will expect the same from you in return. You may be out till 3 in the morning and she won't even bat an eyelid.
A Gemini girl will always respect your individuality and you will be required to do the same.
She can easily get along with anyone, right from your boss to the peon of your office. With a Gemini wife, you will feel as if you are with a different woman every other day. When she wants to speak, she will speak and when she wants to fly, she will fly. You don't know how she flies; just listen to her imagination and you will know. She is full of hopes, desires and dreams and you are welcome to share them. Just make sure that you are with her when she needs you!

*Both the individuals have one common trait - they find it difficult to take decisions quickly.*

done a little bit of everything, little bit of everywhere, with a little bit of everyone.

only you, i didnt.

this is nonsense(:



i dont see panda):

* * *

on my way home from jp, i alighted just before the nearby park.
total number of families/groups i've seen while walking home: seven.
that doesnt include those in the park.
i could feel the festive mood, intensely.
seeing families/friends gathering for this season, really warms me.
i remembered fondly, that i used to do that with my bros and prisch clique.
laterns, candles, sparkles, murdering grasses,cockroaches, plastics etcetc.
those were the days that are really carefree and happy, simply put.

but as we grow up, everything changed.
it wasnt the kind of life that we thought it out to be.
we've gone really separated routes in our lifes now, come to think of it.
we used to stick together like glue, swore that we must live under a roof in future, that we must experience things altogether..
but everything just seems to go a different way.
people got married, got themselves a baby to look after for; people who supposed to get into uni didnt; people who got into uni lead a harder life than those who didnt.

i know they always say that: the only constant thing is change.
yes, things dont always turn out the way we want it to be.
life is indeed hard and unfair.
but is life really all about upholding and satisfying social equations?
earn your first million at the age of 25? maybe?
climb up the peak of the social ladder, and yet be caution of not plunging down any sooner.
then again, whats life all about?
if achievements should dominate most in our lifes,
then perhaps half or more of the world's population are not getting there.
then, why should we? such a torment, such a life.
then again, i do know the importance of education and qualifications in our society.
so much premiums placed on it, such that we are blinded from happiness all along.
who dictate such a life?

god.
i preached too much and nothing's gonna change.
i came home 2.5h before today ends.
happy mid-autumn festival.
* * *

could there be something more?



P/S. im not empty, im filled.

im just average.

or maybe less than that.



I OVERSLEPT, WOKE UP @7.30AM, A HOUR BEFORE LESSON STARTS.
and its only the 3rd week of school.
stupidly, i still had a minute to choose what to wear, really frustrating.
grabbed my tank,leggings etcetc and rushed to washroom.
threw away my nicely brewed hot choco and two half-boiled eggs that i faithfully requested mummy to prepare.
now, gone.
thought W would kindly drove me to school but there he was, lying on the bed like a dead log and replying me that he still have work later on.
as if idk(-.-)
okay then, today will be the day that my purse burns a mad big hole.
and im left with just 17$ cash, to survive for the whole damn day.
i was really fortunate that a cab arrived less than a minute.

tuesday really suck big time for me, it seems that im always late for one of my favourite tutorial in the morning.
and what made everything worse?
there was a jam on the highway. (its just..."argh FML", you know?)
but then, something caught my eyes in the cab.

something that actually calmed my disordered soul.
something that warms my heart underneath.
its just some sort of "TO MY DAD" stuffs that you can find islandwide in gift shops on papi's day?
there were three of such right infront of my passenger seat.
i was staring at it.
and i realised that the cabbie must be a daddy of a child.
i could sense the tender love of a child to his/her dad.
and overhead me, i saw the sign:
"drive safely for your loved ones".
something like that that you can sometimes see when you drive on the highways.

perhaps many people would just glanced and shoved the image away in a split second or so,
but i pondered, unknowingly.
and it dawned on me that, i haven got a handmade card for my papi(or my mummy too) for a very very very very long time on ocassions, which i used to.
mad guilty now i think of it.
but such mushy stuffs actually stop at the very moment when most of my time was eaten up by studies.
or perhaps, its just an excuse.
i dont work really hard for jc too.
or so it seems.

but i smiled to myself, and secretly for the cabbie too.
i hope he drives safely after he drops me off.
and he's the first cabbie that i dont really detest.
uber polite and courteous and all.
i gave him more tips than the others that i took.
he sent me to school on time, or may be i should just say,
early.
finally, im not late on tuesday today.
and such little things?
actually make my day.
but of course, waking up late doesnt(-.-)
its no fun at all.


then again, im really am not special.
like how it goes,
im just average.

or maybe less than that.

P/S. And even though I warn you many many times, deep down I think I admire you for being so reckless. Isn't courage to love despite knowing that you'd get hurt admirable? Will I ever, ever find someone that would make me want to risk it all for him? Risk all that I've believed in, so far? So far, no. I kill it everytime.
-fly's friend, alien.

& so far,
yes.

lay my life upon yours.

i wish i could just confess but they taught me to assume that im a rule,
and never the exception.

cause in the end, it will just turn the way i dont want it to be.

currently listening to: what if-jason derulo.

P/S.
[c=#9F6FBF]慧.[/c] says:
u'll be some crazily explosive element in periodic table.
[c=#9F6FBF]慧.[/c] says:
how can gemini not be fire sign
[c=#9F6FBF]慧.[/c] says:
-.- so bao zha one
[c=#9F6FBF]慧.[/c] says:
abit jiu jiang excited. ltr he after lecture go eat w other girl
[c=#9F6FBF]慧.[/c] says:
then after that girl
got another girl
[c=#9F6FBF]慧.[/c] says:
and another girl
and another girl tmr
go home w another girl
millions girls
u wont know cos u happily dreaming while tuition-ing
i think i dont believe in love liao =.= LOLLLLL i see u lidat -.-
[c=#9F6FBF]慧.[/c] says:
like headless fly de so scary then in the end keep losing limbs

do you know.

if nothing happens,
it still amounts to nothing.

when i was strolling with my parents behind me,
there's a lot in mind.
but somehow, when i got home, everything just flushes away.
and then, someone is stucked there in my mind.
wouldnt go away no matter how much i shove that image away.

but the constant reminder of my past, is there.
thats where, and why,
i stand alone everytime.
it just flashes back and haunt me.
im moving on, already!!

but this new someone is the only one that can encourage me to let the past go.
and then,
i let it all go.

but how easy is it all gonna be?
im just afraid.

because if nothing happens,
it just amounts to nothing.



P/S. its not him la.

* * *

all the while, im searching for my real self.
im struggling to know who i really am, who im out to be.
the walls i built, the sarcastic words i sprout,
was it really me?
im tired.
tired of searching me.

should start leading life that can be called mine.
tired of satisfying social equations.
dont you?

you are not the regular.

be wise be wise be wise!
should really stop dreaming.
and the best way to do that is to wake up from it.

haiya, if its that easy.
ask me out, if i agree,
then its really you.



P/S. just, what if..?

whats the reason we cant fall in love?

eaten up by work.
argh.



if you're the one,
then us meeting here,

is fate.

is it you?

i realised all literature tutors can be really sarcastic.
and usually portraying that with a hideous smile.
and thats what makes literature all the more fearful.

COME ON, I WANT MEETINGS.
taking it literally, i simply want to meet my main comm friends, not to say discussing about foc. haha.
I WANT MEETINGS.

at least it serves as a breather for me.
im beginning to feel it.



somebody please save me.

P/S.actually, i feel uneasy about ppl of the opp. gender treating me especially nice because i dont feel i can reciprocate that.
but for the guy whom im into, i hope he treats me alittle more special.
oh well.

a little more.

WHEN IS OUR FIRST MEETING GOING TO BE?

hahas, sorry ah, abit overwhelmed by the fact that im officially a member of cac.foc :D
i keep checking my email because minna says we are going to be informed through email.
im freakingly mad.
but i guess thats where passion drives to.

i remembered reading a sad and helpless post on cac.foc by an ex-member in fb.
no doubt im quite daunted by the plethora of vocabulary used, but im more concerned about how some things i thought are deemed peaceful and smooth-sailing could actually turn out to be masked with underlying problems,politics,facades,etcetc.
i thought life could well be just simple, especially when you know you did your best at the things you like and for the betterment of where that passion is driving to. well, thats what i initially (and innocently) thought it out to be.
but seriously, conflicts occur everywhere, anytime, every moment.
we cant really stop that, its beyond us.
but the fact that we can choose to let it affect us this bit or more, its up to us.
letting go, backing out could all just well be the path to enlightenment.
so why the torment of going through that stirring of troubles in us all?
but then again, its all nothing but lip service.
they always say its easier said than done.
well, true. but take that first step, and all you know is that, you are one step ahead of others making that progress, to enlightenment.
i know it sounds a bit like preaching, but its because i care about the way people look at things and how people handle their emotions.
especially when the writer was one of higher standing in cac.foc before!
(or maybe somehow...lol)

its just that i hope people could laugh at things the way contented people do.
at anything, even if its insignificant.
then in future, when you look back at your ancient post, you will laugh silly-ly at yourself.

thats you.
be you.



"the most wasted day is a day when you have not laughed."
(i forgotten by who, haha.)

crashing whitecaps on the ocean.

sometimes we are so afraid of getting hurt once more, we built that wall in us.
or you might just as well phrase it as a facade
because there's too many things in life that are not meant to be.

and they prove to be on temporary loan only.



P/S.
i'll blend up that rainbow above you
and shoot it through your veins
cause your heart has a lack of color.

find a road to a humble abode, where both of our routes meet.

why does people hang on to love when its so tiresome for them?
because the bottomline for love is always as such:
to be happy with the one you love.

but after getting together, people choose to blind this part away.
and all they do was fights, faults, then more fights, and more faults.

because getting together wasnt just about love, its more of blissfulness.
its to be happy, and sharing your happiness with the one you love.

i just somehow dont get it.
why people hang on when they are already sad.
perhaps people are deceiving creatures.
they chose to escape from the very fact- that it had long already ended.
he has taught me so.

because as it is, leaving may not be a bad choice afterall.
staying might be.

veins of the avenue,and subtle variations of blue.

life has been really really really hectic.
i couldnt feel the adrenaline much faster than life in university!
dreads.
this is like living hellllllll.
not to mention there's a main comm interview tomorrow @bugis's startbucks.
gosh.
what am i supposed to say etcetc.
okay, done.
i dont know what to comment about such a life of mine anymore.
hopefully, having a cca pave a better future for me.
and of course, to excel in my studies too.
there's fcking hell so much to learn and memorise and study.
the point is, ranting doesnt help alleviating things.
i hope everyday's a weekend.
bless me.



P/S.
The silver sound is all around
And the colors fall like snow
The feeling of letting go
I guess we'll never know

get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans.

in the ancient times of my thoughts, i used to think that those tom,dick and harry out there on the streets will never ever be able to provide the bliss and happiness in every other relationships they got themselves into.
same goes to the femme.
thats because i deemed them as insincere,incompetent and most importantly, not serious in the matters they handle.
but as time goes by, they actually proved me wrong.
that it is actually these tom,dick and harry's relationships that always triumph and long-lasting than people like us who are supposed to be serious in whatever we do,and especially our treatment towards relationships.
woila, there it goes.
its really amazing, and how it amazes me, up till this point in time.
i really, and truly is envious of such people.
they do not have to pursue further studies/education like we do, and then get their everlasting love.
but of cause, there are eligibles out there now with the eligibles too.
the fact is that, im just envious.

alright, so much for all the green-eyed monster.
tomorrow's a long day.



P/S. when i thought it will be you, it turned out that we were just on temporary loan.

streetlights glisten on the boulevard.

BUSINESS LAW, FRENCH, CHINESE AS A LANGUAGE, LITERATURE.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, WTF IS 文言文?
okay, i saw samples of it from my past years exam papers already.
and im already so trembling in fear.
so far, i've attended biz law's lecture and amazingly, i hope i knew how im catching up with it.
i've been sleeping easily every night nowadays, which just simply means;
im fcking hell tired!
even with lessons not starting proper, just yet.
hope i could just hang on for 4years, in tendem with my cca :D
goodluck and godspeed peeps!

sardine jio me for contacts!! (i bet she'll see this only after 1 liteyear:)



P/S.city fog and brave dialogue, converge on the frontier.

own the light, dont need no help.

woke up uber early today (-.-)
i guess school's gonna be like this feeling, over and over again.
tired. dreadful. tired. dreadful.
head to school, super amazed with myself for finding nanyang audi so freaking fast.
(at least faster than i thought.)
headed there asap, good course mate reserved a place for me, i felt so thankful. :D
after all the inauguration etcetc, one of my prisch friend spotted me!
she changed aloadddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.
from cute to not-so-cute-looking.
yes, we all grow up. haha.
but we had a long long chattttttt like nobody's buisness.
too bad, she's in english literature, and she kinda enjoy that(:
hope she's doing well!
hope both of us do!
head to mac for lunch, as usual, the situation is that there was totally no space for me and prisch friend to settle comfortably there.
so we decided to settle outside LT1A, which apparently has ample space, no need for squeezing and perspiration(:
alas, saw SP heading for lecture.
MUAHAHAHA, I HAVEN START LESSONS PROPER YET. YES.
so hi-bye and shoo him off to lectures.
continue lunching there, and we were quietly(?), alright, not-so-quietly spotting all the caucasians passing by.
my dear prisch friend even intro some uncles/middle-aged one to me lor.
like, point point here, point point there.
the caucasians must be puzzled that there were always laughters heard whenever they passed by.
LOL. epic moment(:
then head to HSS etcetc etcetc etcetc.
cabbed to tuition.
W fetched me back home, (because i requested to-.-)

tired tired day(:
biz law lect tmr. sigh.



P/S. what is it like..?

having that common beat in us.