逞强

原来我也有逞强的时候。

原来你藏着伤 但不想和我聊 当你心里的浪潮 拒绝让我看到

i dont even know if i had such impact on you.

只能说，心疼你的心疼

Every Day, Without Her
by Alex Khow on Saturday, May 29, 2010 at 5:42am
Every day, without her, I wake up to nothingness. The first thing I do is check my phone for any traces of concern from her; a missed call, a sms, but always... nothing. I drag myself out of bed and feel empty even if my day ahead is exciting.

Every day, without her, I eat my breakfast in silence and wonder whether she's awake too. I wonder if she'd eaten, or whether she's going to have her breakfast, or just skip it. I wonder if she'll have a good day ahead. I wonder if she'll smile all day.

Every day, without her, I open my cupboard of clothes and see some clothes with special memories. I so badly want to wear them out, but I wonder if my friends would think I'm damn poor and keep wearing the same clothes. I wonder if she has ever felt anything special too when she wore the clothes I bought for her.

Every day, without her, I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how different I would have looked if I have her. Would I look more radiant, would I make more effort to groom myself? I wonder if she'll ever notice me now.

Every day, without her, I go to work or take a walk around town, and hope that somehow, somewhere, I would meet her by surprise. I wonder if I would smile and wave if I see her, or would I simply lower my head and walk away? I wonder how she would react, and whether I would affect her day. I wonder if my heart would flip seeing her.

Every day, without her, I smile, laugh and talk to my friends. I am strong and normal in front of them, but in between moments of silence I think about her again. I wonder if my friends are just like me, with other thoughts running. I wonder if she is just like me too.

Every day, without her, I pass by places we'd been together. I immediately think about her, and wonder whether they would make her think about me the same way. I wonder if she still remembers what we did together at these places.

Every day, without her, I eat my lunch or dinner at any random place. If the food is good, I wonder if she would love it too. I wonder if I'll ever have the chance to bring her here to taste the food, and perhaps criticise my recommendation. If the food is bad, I wonder if she has a better meal out there compared to me. I wonder if she is eating healthily, or maybe going overboard with her diet.

Every day, without her, I read through our old conversations and sms-es and smile. I wonder if she's sending similar sms-es to others, and I wonder if her friends are treating her right. I wonder whether the day would come when she'll send such sms-es to me again.

Every day, without her, I look through her photos and check for her updates. I'll hesitate before making any comments, and wonder whether she would be displeased with some of the things I want to say. I look for clues to how she's doing, and would feel sad when I see no updates.

Every day, without her, I listen to my emo songs and sing-along. I wonder how lyricists can ever portray my feelings so well; I wonder whether they feel the same as me. I wonder if she'll ever listen to the songs I listen, and whether she would understand how I'm feeling from the lyrics. I wonder if we can ever sing a beautiful duet.

Every day, without her, I do my work and stay online on MSN. I wonder if she would ever initiate a conversation with me. I think about topics that I can say if we are to talk, but I wonder whether she's too busy to talk to me. I wonder how she is coping with her work, and pray that she isn't feeling too stressed.

Every day, without her, I plan my activity for the next day. I am secretly happy if I am occupied the next day, for I am at a loss if I'm free. I wonder if she'll be free when I'm free, and I wonder if I should try asking her out. I wonder what I would do if I am to stay home the whole day and let my thoughts run wild.

Every day, without her, I pat Bobby goodnight and lie in bed. I wonder if Bobby misses her. If I'm lucky and tired, I fall asleep. If not, I'll lie there and wonder if she is asleep. I wonder whether she's going to get her eight hours of sleep. I wonder if I'll have a dream about her, and try to recall how it feels like to have her sleeping beside me. I think about our times together and wonder whether things would get better the next morning I wake up.

Today, without her, I wrote this. I wonder if my friends would think I'm a damn emo freak, and I wonder if their perception of me would change. I wonder if they would actually care anyway. I wonder if I had made a difference in their lives and whether they would be sad if one day I'm gone.

I wonder. I wonder if she would read this. I wonder if she cares.

来不及

所谓的变心
真的有那么容易吗
虽然说
大家都是善变的
很多事情发生以后
不想追究
但不代表不在意
因为再继续追问
是无聊，是无必要所为
也只会陷入残局
一发就再也无可收拾
一切
也只能放在眼里，心里
默默的
静静的
很多时候
眼前的所有没珍惜
把他们当成理所当然
可有可无
是因为他们不值得你的珍惜
还是因为一直以来他们都不值得你瞩目
根本没把他们放在眼里
大家是善变的
所以才会见一个爱一个
也从不爱惜所有
严格来说
大家也就是喜新厌旧的
可能说了这么多
还是会搞不懂
到底我想表明的是什么
对不起
可是我也不知道为何写了一堆无重心的文章
可笑了
这可能也算不上是个文章吧

你可否有同样心情?

真正在乎的人，无需你找，他也会自动地想起你。
by Li Xue on Saturday, January 22, 2011 at 1:15am


发了一封简讯给他，等不到他的回复，
等到他回复的时候，已经没有心情了，
但还是的装作开心，继续陪他聊下去，
这样的你真的快乐吗？这是你想要的吗？

有时候，心中突然又许多的话想对他说，
有开心的，有伤心的，有思念的，
有重要的事情，有非说不可的事情，
简讯发出的那一刻，你就注定是寂寞了，
因为你的心中会希望得到他的回复...

第一分钟，你觉得他在看着短信，
第二分钟，你觉得他在回复着你，
第三分钟，你开始检查手机有没有短信，
第四分钟，你开始在想他为什么那么慢回复，
第五分钟，你开始安慰自己说他没看见，
第六分钟，收起了手机以为等下就能收到回复，
第七分钟，掏出手机来看，你以为已经过了好久了，
第八分钟，你开始灰心了，你觉得他不会回复了，
第九分钟，你有股冲动想要再发封短信给他，
第十分钟，你打好了信息，最终却还是删除了...

第二十分钟，你的心情已经开始不好了，
第三十分钟，你还是希望能收到他的回复，
第四十分钟，你始终还是再发了封简讯给他，
第五十分钟，原本美好的心情已经完全被破坏了，
一个小时后，虽然依旧希望得到回复，但你已经绝望了...

几个小时后，在乎的心还是给了你一点希望，
你再一次检查你的手机，他回复了，
他问你发生了什么事情，你心中一暖，
你的气全消了，但你已经不知道该怎么回他了，
因为你再也找不回在你发送简讯给他时的感受了...

可他竟然回复你了，不回复他又好像对不起自己，
等待了那么久，难道自己为的不就是他的回复吗？
好想也让他试试等待的感受，但你舍不得，
与其说你舍不得，倒不如说你根本就不会不回复他...
可在你回复了他以后，换来的，
却又是一次漫长的等待...

没有人值得你一再地找寻，
没有人值得你一再地等待，
他回复得那么慢，你又何苦那么紧张回复他呢？
别怕你回复得慢，他就不会再回复你了，
真正在乎的人，无论再忙，也会想尽办法回复你，
真正在乎的人，无需你找，他也会自动地想起你...

习惯是种危险，但又却很微妙。

习惯
是种可怕的东西
太多
就变成依赖
太少
却感到不自在

习惯
它会悄悄接近
慢慢的
驻扎
根深蒂固
成长
让我们都措手不及

我习惯的是他的肌体支架
我习惯的是他实在的一切
我习惯的是他全部的存在

习惯
是一种危险
但却很微妙

我的习惯
也只有他能给。

当你沉睡时

可笑的是人

毕竟我们都是自我矛盾的
当然也就有可笑之处。
明明就得到的
却在最后一秒放弃了
这种念头一直反复在脑海中打滚着
为什么人喜欢沉迷上这种复杂又难以解释的游戏当中？

毕竟我们都是自我矛盾的
迷惑的不仅仅在言语上，在行为上皆是。
隐瞒的事实是为了让大家好过一点
但却忘了内心正因隐瞒而渐渐受创
可悲的谎言
可怜的人。

毕竟我们都是自我矛盾的
缺乏 选择就怨天尤人
但选择了的却又有可能后悔
而选择过后可以再选
我们处理事情的态度
却往往是令我们无法释怀的。

毕竟我们都是自我矛盾的
所以人才可笑。

PS.ILY

been spending way too much!
its time to either stay home and rot or go for tuition.
yes, thats it.

P/S. tired.

10JAN

夜空洒满了星星 但几颗会落地

其实 越在乎的人 影响越大
朋友、家人、恋人。

其实 我们倒可不理会他人的旁观
做自己认为是对的事
是 认为 对 的事
反正我们不可能安抚 符合 满足 大家的期盼。

其实 人本来就有七情六欲
也自然而然不可能不被周遭影响
那是不可能的事
在怎么否认 争辩 驳斥
我们依然在潜意识里
或多或少
被人影响 摆布 感染。

我自认是个很容易被他人牵动的人
但是 有时候 坚持的事 物 人
我会狠下心 不惜一切 牺牲所有
直到得到 拥有 占有。

做法有可能极端了点
但 事实 仅如此
我 是 极端的。

确定珍惜的朋友
确定珍惜的家人
确定珍惜的恋人
所说 所做 所闻
都会铭记在心
一直的。

不可能甩开了
因为它牵连了无数的缘分。

Entomophobia,Eremophobia,XENOPHOBIA

if anyone ask me how do i solve those problems,
seriously,
i dont even know it myself.


after so much, i no longer believe in counting dates/days.
but here i am, telling myself its the 13th day.
all the insecurity emotions, it should diminish.
or at least cease to exist.
but no matter how hard we try to deceive ourselves,
the future awaits us.
what the future lies and beholds, we will never know.
thinking hard for solutions for the problems raised,
i realised, really,
i cant find the solutions, let alone solve it.
and this is when insecurity surfaced again.
and no matter how hard we all try, we can never shove that feeling away.
we cannot simply ignore it as told to.
and only with time,
we can only flow with time.
nothing more.

i do not want to indulge in happiness too quickly this time.
i do not want to hastily proclaim that everything is finalised.
i do not want to know that i had everything now and lose it the next.

i dont want to experience acute pain in the heart anymore.
im just trying to defend myself.
all along.

当我不想要，他又给我。
当我有了后，他却把它拿走。


29DEC

we took it from the bottom up.

i always ponder why people associate age with seriousness.
to tell the truth, i abhor learning about the conventional way that only when we are older, we are serious.
i really detest that saying. a lot.

but sometimes we just know that the older people dont wanna hurt their own pride and heed the words of the younger.
they always thought we were kidding, childish, brainless.
what we say are unimportant, unserious, insignificant.
but not empathizing with our predicarment, doesnt this show they are not as mature and serious all the more?
if they really are mature and wiser, they should take what we say or do, with utmost seriousness.
well, in all aspects. especially relationships.

sometimes we are serious.
but age is deceiving, thats all.

蓝色是我的颜色

蓝色代表忧郁。
代表的是我淡淡的忧伤。

其实生命中如果没有忧郁、忧伤、优闷
就不会感受到真正的快乐、高兴、喜悦。
缺乏这些重要的因素，
真的才是错过人生中必经过的酸甜苦涩。

知道吗？
[天下无不散之筵席] 才是我的致命伤。
因为知道不是每一件事都有开花结果的结局
所以更能深深体会那句谚语的意思。
可能就是因为这样，
我很想看破人生规律，
不想被拘泥，不想被约束，不想被捆绑着。

但是他们常说："assume you are the rule, not the exception”
规矩、规律、规则。
反反复复、频频率率地出现在我们这已规划好的人生。
无可否认的，我们都是被拘束的。
不能豁达、不能从容、不能放胆去追求自己认为是值得被追求的事，物，人。

其实这种人生，我很期待。
但不是一朝一夕就能达成的。
虽然那扇门已打开，
但是否能跨过，
就得看自己是否能渡过。
渡过心里的那坎门。

P/S. happy 2011 (: