只能说，心疼你的心疼

Every Day, Without Her
by Alex Khow on Saturday, May 29, 2010 at 5:42am
Every day, without her, I wake up to nothingness. The first thing I do is check my phone for any traces of concern from her; a missed call, a sms, but always... nothing. I drag myself out of bed and feel empty even if my day ahead is exciting.

Every day, without her, I eat my breakfast in silence and wonder whether she's awake too. I wonder if she'd eaten, or whether she's going to have her breakfast, or just skip it. I wonder if she'll have a good day ahead. I wonder if she'll smile all day.

Every day, without her, I open my cupboard of clothes and see some clothes with special memories. I so badly want to wear them out, but I wonder if my friends would think I'm damn poor and keep wearing the same clothes. I wonder if she has ever felt anything special too when she wore the clothes I bought for her.

Every day, without her, I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how different I would have looked if I have her. Would I look more radiant, would I make more effort to groom myself? I wonder if she'll ever notice me now.

Every day, without her, I go to work or take a walk around town, and hope that somehow, somewhere, I would meet her by surprise. I wonder if I would smile and wave if I see her, or would I simply lower my head and walk away? I wonder how she would react, and whether I would affect her day. I wonder if my heart would flip seeing her.

Every day, without her, I smile, laugh and talk to my friends. I am strong and normal in front of them, but in between moments of silence I think about her again. I wonder if my friends are just like me, with other thoughts running. I wonder if she is just like me too.

Every day, without her, I pass by places we'd been together. I immediately think about her, and wonder whether they would make her think about me the same way. I wonder if she still remembers what we did together at these places.

Every day, without her, I eat my lunch or dinner at any random place. If the food is good, I wonder if she would love it too. I wonder if I'll ever have the chance to bring her here to taste the food, and perhaps criticise my recommendation. If the food is bad, I wonder if she has a better meal out there compared to me. I wonder if she is eating healthily, or maybe going overboard with her diet.

Every day, without her, I read through our old conversations and sms-es and smile. I wonder if she's sending similar sms-es to others, and I wonder if her friends are treating her right. I wonder whether the day would come when she'll send such sms-es to me again.

Every day, without her, I look through her photos and check for her updates. I'll hesitate before making any comments, and wonder whether she would be displeased with some of the things I want to say. I look for clues to how she's doing, and would feel sad when I see no updates.

Every day, without her, I listen to my emo songs and sing-along. I wonder how lyricists can ever portray my feelings so well; I wonder whether they feel the same as me. I wonder if she'll ever listen to the songs I listen, and whether she would understand how I'm feeling from the lyrics. I wonder if we can ever sing a beautiful duet.

Every day, without her, I do my work and stay online on MSN. I wonder if she would ever initiate a conversation with me. I think about topics that I can say if we are to talk, but I wonder whether she's too busy to talk to me. I wonder how she is coping with her work, and pray that she isn't feeling too stressed.

Every day, without her, I plan my activity for the next day. I am secretly happy if I am occupied the next day, for I am at a loss if I'm free. I wonder if she'll be free when I'm free, and I wonder if I should try asking her out. I wonder what I would do if I am to stay home the whole day and let my thoughts run wild.

Every day, without her, I pat Bobby goodnight and lie in bed. I wonder if Bobby misses her. If I'm lucky and tired, I fall asleep. If not, I'll lie there and wonder if she is asleep. I wonder whether she's going to get her eight hours of sleep. I wonder if I'll have a dream about her, and try to recall how it feels like to have her sleeping beside me. I think about our times together and wonder whether things would get better the next morning I wake up.

Today, without her, I wrote this. I wonder if my friends would think I'm a damn emo freak, and I wonder if their perception of me would change. I wonder if they would actually care anyway. I wonder if I had made a difference in their lives and whether they would be sad if one day I'm gone.

I wonder. I wonder if she would read this. I wonder if she cares.