vertigo hurts

i dont want to feel happy.
more like, i dont want to feel happy because that will make me not me and guilty.

more so if its going out with another person as if im making use of that person time to make me feel better.
its like this is MY ritual. i need to deal with this alone.
going out with anybody else is just a temporary measure.
it wouldnt last, i know that.
in between moments when im with myself, i am with myself. and i need to be alone.
i really do.

being with people makes me sad sometimes.
especially big crowd.
because it makes me feel tired.
tired of smiling and hiding that real underneath feeling of emptiness that shouts:
"hey. please stop talking. i can use a silence now. right now."

i like to amplify that silence. i like to feed that silence.
i want to feel that real silence which is gnawing on me every second.
just to constantly remind me,
stop falling into love.
just stop right there.
dont take it another step, further.
red alert.
s.t.o.p.

i shouldnt rely on the idea that, i can still count on him as a friend.
because, at the end of the day.
now i really feel a need to.
just be with myself.

i can have friends, i need close friends.
but gaining yet another 'friend', is nothing more than just another friend.
so that is it.

i really hope you live happier.
like, even if it means willing to change for your other.
by that time,
i believed im already better.