she figured it out

that maybe fate wins anyway.
well, why shouldnt it?
it takes control, at the end of the day.
i cannot fight it.

im a lover, not a fighter.

im like, what?
waiting for my verdict, that wasnt totally my fault.
i see it.
i saw the problems.
but i was only wrong to not solve it with the other earlier.
other than that, i still love him.
but loving isnt solving exactly, right?

so, i shall wait for my verdict.
our sentence to this invisible thing between us call love.
maybe it doesnt exist for the other already, i dont know.
but i shall wait patiently.
maybe the verdict may ultimately hurt meself,really.
i know i cant really take it.
but i've been through it for two hard times already.
this shall pass eventually, i believe it to be so.
because, fate wins anyway, and time is only its companion.
and i shall be its slave.
so, i shall wait for my verdict.

to me, working out is always better than giving up.
but i saw the pursue-withdraw symptoms.
to me, staying is better than leaving.
but i saw somewhere that people gave up for.
to me, to me?

loving is easy, maintaining is difficult.
and i cant do it alone.

tired is just another understated word

its exhausted.
im really exhausted.
if i could just walk away without all of these.

without all of these fucking shit.

冷静、冷眼、冷心

主动、并不是女人的天性。

只是这几天，无消无息，我有点担心。
或许说，我想习惯主动。而不是被动，只等着你主动。
可能你真的厌倦了，我又不想累坏你，因为最后只会拖跨这份感情。
而我又不想那样的结局收场。
因为我也厌倦了失败的感情。
是有点自私，是有点自我，是有点过分。
磨檫时间久了，一切已成自然，问题将被抹杀，一直没法解决。
这样，很糟吧？
我不想那样。那会是很恐怖的经验。一发，不可能收拾。
虽然我常常会那样想。是真的。
因为我无法再定下心来，相信一切将会顺利。
常常处在紧张的情形下，我很难判断什么是好，什么是坏。
什么是OK的，什么是糟糕的。
根本没有绝对的吧？

平凡、平等、平衡在这个世界，不可能的，对吧？

give me one more reason to say yes

i have so many meetups, gatherings, outings, nights out bla bla bla.
SO MANY!
seriously looking forward to all of them, especially when my rightful freedom is just about to arrive in 1.5days time!
so damn excited! and of course, not forgetting some serious committments as well :) so gonna be a fruitful life after exams it is!
i guess im so gonna love my life then!
but,
i have been sleeping way too much these days!
and allowed myself to indulged in my novel!
i read my novel twice as much as i read my lecture notes ):
bad sign.
lack of motivation already.
gonna start the rest later on my very comfy bed ):
and i left school out today.
shit, im really getting ready for my holidays already.

i should get going.

xenophobic

its very funny why i start to prepare something for someone, when we dont know what the future beholds. its funnier when you know that the only thing that future holds is: unknown. well, if you say we could plan something for the future, your plans change anyhow. and it changes to circumstances that happens in future, and that is still really unpredictable. we could all only expect, but we couldnt really know what lies ahead, can we? so what happens when our expectations and predictions surfaced as untrue? or whatever we hope for in the future doesnt hold? what if everything goes the wrong way, the way that you least expected and least hopeful about? humans are really funny because they knew their hopes would be dash the moment they raise it themselves, why do they still dare dream? what made them do? what didnt hold them back? what makes them unhesitant? what exactly drive them? what motivates them?

seriously. i gave up on my future. not exactly, just yet.
but somehow, i guess i couldnt win fate anyway.
why not let it figure out itself?
why not take a step back rather than suffocate myself all the while with things that are non-existence and doesnt have a concrete form itself?
why not learn how to relax a bit like the rest, perhaps i would be more carefree and less obstinate in things that arent meant to be?
why not learn how to take a step back and get a better, bigger picture of how my present life is like? why hang on, and hold on to things that are uncertain? why then, be stubborn?

i should get myself a religion/faith soon.

Q&A

1 - A quality I would want in my boyfriend = maybe.
2 - Story behind my last kiss = was there?
3 - Something I am proud of = having my tragus pierced thrice.
4 - One of my insecurities = relationships.
5 - A secret = how then can i put it down?
6 - An ideal date = with anyone i love.
7 - A turn on = sizeable arm.
8 - A turn off = anything/anyone that just turns me off.
9 - Something that makes me happy = quality time alone.
10 - Something I regret = not treating my family better instead.
11 - Something that’s on my mind = my future.
12 - A random fact about myself = full of rubbish.
13 - Where I would like to live = countryside.
14 - One of my bad habits = prejudgmental.
15 - Who I wish I could be = someone carefree enough.

because we grew tired eventually

have we all grew tired already?
tired of everything and everyone?
or have we got used to already, that we've learnt not to treasure?
that we could all start making use of one another, making use of any moment, wasting every second and precious time?
have we all just learnt how to walk away easily, walk out of someone's life gracefully?
have we learnt not to care about everyone, and not understand that we are just humans, we do have feelings, we do cry?
have we all threw away that sense of burning passion that we owned at the very first instance when we met?
have we forgotten everything that held people together?
have we all just lost that being in us?

or have we just grew tired of us?

(我能給的)，你能吗？

妳爸媽劈頭問我一句話 我不回答
他問我能不能給妳一個家 我愣在那
不回答不代表我沒有想法 不回答不代表掙扎
有些事心裡明白 卻不能夠明講
我沒有權 沒有錢 沒有房 只剩夢想
但未來的路實在太漫長 我也害怕
害怕讓她陪著我一起闖蕩 害怕她空轉了時光
所以我不說大話 怕說的比做的差
有些話不能表達 有些話當時我沒有講
但是我不會讓她陪我累
但是我不會讓她流眼淚
能給的我都給她
這是我心裡面說的話
就算會累死我都不會怨
因為她就是我的全世界

我沒有錢 沒有權 沒有房 只剩夢想
但未來的路實在太漫長 我也害怕
害怕讓她陪著我一起闖蕩
害怕她空轉了時光 所以我不說大話
怕說的比做的差 有些話不能表達
有些話當時我沒有講
但是我不會讓她陪我累
但是我不會讓她流眼淚
能給的我都給她
這是我心裡面說的話
就算會累死我都不會怨
因為她就是我的全世界

chanced upon this nice song when i wanted to listen to 没关系 instead. somehow, i cant explain why this song touches me.
maybe the persona is too much, maybe we couldnt find such ideal thoughtful guy anymore.
so ideal isnt it?
it seems like a far-fetched idea!
but no matter how impossible we inject in ourselves, girls still dream of having the appearance of such guys! how contradicting we all are.
we just cant seem to wake our idea i guess. but bearing that hope is alright, as long as no one comes to dash it all over again.

hmm, i've never talk about my ideals, havent i?
will talk about it after exams, if i ever remember them.

4 more papers to go!

幸福是

幸福事小 - 倪安东

吃完镀了金的牛排镶了钻的蛋 胃还是那么的孤单
只有一想到了晚餐 有你的笑下饭 漫长的一天才不难捱
穿着限量版的衬衫羡慕声不断 也没让我觉得温暖
如果不是有你呼吸在皮肤上不散 怎么抵御世界的冷淡

幸福是一想到你就心安
地要老天要荒的谁还想管
幸福是一起醒来说早安
海枯石烂这种大事与我无关

听过圣诗般的称赞嘘寒或问暖 耳朵也开不出花瓣
直到你在电话那端 问我几点下班 动听得让心花灿烂
攀过最纯白的雪山最澎湃的海 回忆也没有更精彩
直到你侧脸的曲线 在我手心蜿蜒 才懂得什么事最浪漫

幸福是完成你每一个期盼
登月或摘星留给谁去狂欢
幸福是陪着你回味遗憾
伟大的圆满与我们真的无关


很触动人心吧
首次听见
我很喜欢这句
[幸福是一起醒来说早安
海枯石烂这种大事与我无关]
很简单
但意义非凡

我觉得这句话紧扣着曲子的主题
也符合主题
幸福，事小
不必费尽心思夸大、夸张、浪漫
只有简单，真心，两人
想不到吧
原来双子座的人也能不强制浪漫

其实
吊儿郎当这么久
不正经那么久
伪装久了
也是会想安顿下来
想严谨一下
回到最原始的我

时不时
会反省的我
真的 很想 向往
能作真实的自己
因为 其他的扮演
很累的
:)