苯氨基丙酸

pheromone.
an invisible chemical that exude from living organism, causing all the attraction between the different genders.

不公平却又合理

最近追迷着一部香港连续剧“谈情说案”。
看这部戏时，让我不禁涌起许多想法。
女主角和男主角很快地在一起了。
这份喜悦足足在顶多四集里结束了。
由于家庭背景贫富差异所以遇上了挫折。
爱情的道路曲折其实为期了几集。
很肯定的，是多过四集。
可见得，其实忧伤比喜悦来得更多，更久。

而这种现象，不可能消失。
在爱情里更是仅此。

命运的捉弄

原来幸福可以是那么短暂的。
想要好好珍惜一个人也像是遥远目的。
时间、地理、人和不就是关键？
在对的时间遇上错的人，
在错的时间却遇上对的人。
这不是命运开的玩笑吗？

明明就驻上的幸福，
却又在下一秒消失。
这种缺乏安全感的情景根本不该出现。
它，却久久地驻扎在心头。
这不是命运开的玩笑吗？

幸福虽然说是短暂的，
但不也是短暂的幸福叫人珍惜吗？

对，那就珍惜吧。

只怕到最后
我会负荷不来。

green-eyed.

so often we simply envy over things people have;
peach shape face,
pretty countenance,
curvy figure,
hairstyle that grow the way you wanted it,
higher intellect,
better socialising skills,
amiable characters,
flawless traits,
wider social circle,
wealthier background etcetc.
the list doesnt exhaust in our entire life.

the more we own, the more we crave for.
its like that kenesian theory, the demand theory.
demand creates supply, though the monetarians will not agree.
and thats how we usually overlook the nano things we already should be content with.
we are constantly reminded of how fortunate we are than 2million others who are trying hard to survive on that damn poverty line.
and that number is in fact, sadly, increasing as i blog now.
but then, people dont see it.

we could have all see it in another perspective, perhaps.
that living in such a practical society has its flaws as well.
but comparing to basic necessity not being able to fulfil everyday?
i guess we all know the hunger pangs we endure for 5minutes is enough for us to whine and complain the whole time until its filled.
what for 24hours? what for 4weeks? what for 12months?
what for the rest of your life?

im inspired mostly i guess by my secsch math teacher.
he contacted his friend(doctor) and some other passionate friends to construct schools in changmai.
i've always like doing volunteering, and it just grew ever since.
and as a teacher, he could go there to educate the next generation.
and education indeed, is the most practical source to escape poverty.
rahter than pursuing a degree for my-self, i really like travelling and understand cultures out there, and not forgetting, helping for a greater cause.
hmm, how people could be so selfless in life.

indeed, i would want to travel capturing meaning in people's life. thats for a selfish cause.
but i do want to travel to less fortunate countries and do what i can.

and right now, it all seems too soon to sprout all of these aspirations.
oh well.
maybe its time to.

我们的秘密基地

是那些没有朋友的人，还是假装很多朋友的人比较寂寞？是那些一一表露出寂寞的人，还是把寂寞藏在心里的人比较孤独？就因如此，这会不会更突显出第二者比其余的人更为寂寞孤独，更缺乏安全感？
我发觉我们根本就不了解对方。
就算我们多么不想相信，我们依旧是生疏的。
* * *
我是依然地那么肤浅，对你的认识依旧那么浅薄。
我到底要怎样才能够解脱？
我很辛苦， 真的很痛苦。
你看不出，感觉不出，也就算了。
这不是你的错。
我也不知到我在干什么。

当你开心时，我心不由自主地豁然开朗。
当你难过时，我胸口不禁也感到沉重。
你告诉我， 这到底是什么现象，是到底代表什么？

我很困扰。
我很烦。

但我更累。

* * *

再说，别人再怎么怂恿，再怎么批评你的不是，
而如果我就这样轻易被动摇，
我不是就像他们一样肤浅了吗？
我需要的，是你亲口对我说。
到了这个地步，我根本没有回头的余地了。
根本不可能回到原点了，你知道吗。

what do you know?

I DONT UNDERSTAND YOUR AGONY AND PAIN.
BUT I CAN FEEL IT WITHIN ME WHEN YOU ARE.

AND IM AINT SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE THIS YOU KNOW.

YOU DONT, TOO.

如果没有如果

我们之间的距离就是
我还在这时间点上停顿
你却已走在我前面，
很远很远。

innocence.

been having this time lag thing between me and reality.
i dont know whats wrong too.
d'accord, that was totally random.

realised people tried very hard not to fall in life.
or people dislike facing tripping and falling moments.
on the literal level, of course, nobody ever wants to fall, especially when it puts you in an extremely embarrassing situation.
but taking falling to the next level, people still do not want to fall, if you see falling down as really down, which leaves you as a failure.
thats of course, unless you're baka, if not, nobody live to fail.
but falling doesnt entirely bring you down.
im not gonna say the most cliche sentence you ever know:跌倒了没关系，学会爬起来就好了。
but thats what people always takeaway from their falling down lesson.
but falling could actually change your usual perspective of high to ground level.
you could see the things you see when you were higher, but at the ground/lower level that people usually miss.
we view things at the perspective of a child's.
we look at things simple and unintended. not complicated and schemed.

i understand that we cannot totally simplified matters now that we've grown in this world. things are usually not simple, so are humans.
i understand the harsh reality and what it brings to us.
all the shits, the dungs, the whatnots.
perhaps we should not lose that innocence in us all.
that beautiful gift that was borned with but gradually losing within.
how many of us could actually keep that slightest bit of innocence and not be let it be engulfed by reality?

忘记吧

i fell,
very uglily.
(-.-)

如果不能忘记，
就别记得吧。

a life less ordinary.

i’ll be damn if I start swallowing my opinions for the sake of keeping the peace.

suddenly when im switching back to english, im stucked momentarily.
so contradictory of human we all are.
used to blog freely with english; the thoughts and inspirations seem to flow and get to me all in english.
then i guess getting into this course changed me gradually.
somehow i feel that some thoughts expressed in chinese could give the words the meaning and feeling the way i wanted it to be, and could actually relate to people better.
like somehow, melancholic emotions gets through better with chinese characters.
and how argumentative send the message across better with english.
oh well. thats how i think it is at the least.
casue i always argue with my brothers in english and it really fuel the boiling point whenever we start. haha.
actually i wanted to blog about exams nearing and how unmotivated i am blah blah blah.
but i guess i'll skip that entire part cause perhaps i'll sleep blogging about it.
so tired of what nonsense attitude im giving to my studies.
the theory of 'grades are secondary' to me now.
but how easy can i escape this whole rat race thing?
seeing others highly motivated, spurred to do well, firm on not dabao-ing modules.
and me? ha.
shall stop here if not im gonna start all over again about exams nearing and how highly unmotivated i am etcetc.
actually i saw him twice on thursday.
both on a vantage point. i guess its all coincidence.
and the point when i start initiating conversation with someone i thought i like, it just means i found out that i dont really like him the way i thought i would be.
and then, i've thrown that burden out of the 11th storey window already.
it seems difficult to comprehend such emotional conflict i've been struggling within me for the past months. and im really not okay, infront of my family, my friends and even him.
now that i look back, its really silly.
cause all along, i need nobody. i like, in fact, enjoy greatly being with myself.
the kind of absolute freedom to do the things without being watched and bounded?
like, i love watching movies alone because i dont have to care if people would like the movie i've decided to watch; i hate being asked for opinions/decisions because i mind if people like the suggestions i gave (comparing when im alone, i decide what i want); and i love being alone undisturbed, lest adding on to the list of people i decided to be unhappy with.
and so the list goes on.
yes, im extremely judgmental anyway. and extremely opinionated.
but i dont have to care how others view me to be, neither do i need the others to treat me the same way too.
we are separate, we are individuals, we are different entity altogether.
so we dont have to mould others to be like the way we want them to be.
at least i dont really feel like being part of the mainstream.
even if it means being alone.

i want a life less ordinary.


有些事，明知是错的，也要去坚持，因为不甘心。
有些人，明知是爱的，也要去放弃，因为没有结局。
有时候，明知没路了，却还在前进，因为习惯了。

同样的人，属于不同的世界。

前天，这位很搞笑的朋友问了我极严肃的一道题。
其实最近我也有相同感受！
她问我：“如果你讨厌一个人，你会怎样做？”

“我根本不会和他说话吧。更不会在一开始和他有任何接触。”

但，那只是很表面地看问题罢了。
这个被讨厌的人，是一个无法避开，难免会天天面对；一个相识的朋友。
其实，最近我也发觉身边有了一个这么一样的人。
无法避开，无法逃脱，无法释怀。
只是越来越看不惯她的行为举止。
她的一举一动在我眼里真的好像多余了。

可能极度批判是我天生的吧。
我也觉得这是我个人的缺陷。
一直以来都是。
改不了了！
其实，也不想为任何人改吧。
可是，无可否认的，那的确是我最大的缺陷。

回到正题，
我不知道如何帮助这位朋友，也不知该怎么拯救自己。
可能吧，也说不定，
我会像一般人那样，乖乖地接受自己所不喜欢的行为，当个众人眼里没骨气、逆来顺受、虚伪的人。
社会带来的压迫只会让人迷失自己，迷失方向。
自己也称不上是自己了。

可我知道，内心感触、真情、想法，根本不会反映在这虚伪的虚壳外。
也说明了，其实我终究不会是我。
假装也好、虚伪也好、假仁假义、表里不一也好，
我这个人，喜欢人家误会我。
就算是第一刻所留下的负面印象，我就是不让人看透我。
看透真实的我。


为什么现在的我
一定要为别人而活
一定要活在别人的世界里
一定要和别人呼吸同样的空气
(坚持,unlimitedcolours)