Emotional Blackmail

times like this
i would take up my pen to write in my diary
or gave myself a faster way
to pop over here and getaway

constantly trapped in my emotional blackmail
his emotional blackmailing
why is this a circle i cant seems to get out

i thought the last time was the end of all these struggles
i could put those behind
i want to live up to my words
you and i said we wont do it again

dreams are so real and vivid when you are pregnant
i wasnt looking out for a deviation from what we last promised

sorry

you broke it

should i've known?

i cried so hard yesterday
was i pitying myself
or was i trying to move on
i think i could do that for the sake of my child
i think maybe the rest really doesnt matter

its not cheating
its hiding
and am i suppose to let live
because ultimately it happened and it will happen again
knowing that i cannot pass myself
to accept it

should i've known?

or should i been in the dark
then it would have been simpler

would i've prefer that way?


im gonna live my life my way

2019

‘Every year is the same. Time is just a construct.’

yeah, new year, definitely old me. 

this year and the many more to come,

i dont need to be rich. 

i just wanna be happy. 

just like an inherent child’s nature. 

to be happy. 

and everyone else who matters, or human race in all parts of the world,

i wish they find happiness at the end of a misery.

no matter how hard it is to get there, i wish that you find peace and happiness within.

thats all that matters. 

at the end of all these decades of life,

we be happy. 

Happy 2019, so they call it. 

T-26

吃虧就是占便宜

you will never know the force and way of life so deeply

until it influences a fundamentally strong friendship

just by a mere interjection of another relationship

that you have decided to sail into future together

i wont say it is wrong

but it will be

when you come up with different excuses

to shirk responsibility when it was already agreed upon

and try to screw other people's future

then yes

that is so wrong

and could i say

this is a misinterpretation of human character

and it will not always be the same

because life is winding and long

and people change

i cannot comprehend and will never accept

the change so big and influential for yourself

but do not bring upon this change and influence

onto others 

because you thought leading your life is larger and more important than any other

i cannot condone this

and will not align with this ever

我們眼中的哥們

可能不是想象中

這麽挺我們

努力未必有結局

在這個世界上
有愛是不夠的

我又獨自回家

it will never get easier

it is so hard to say
to say that i will trust you wholly
and little things like this will not happen again

not because you're in the wrong
or im in the wrong
just some part of me
i dont want to care anymore

i dont want to care the fact that
so many things i could care
but i dont need to anymore

and so
it will not happen
from today onwards
i promise not you
but myself

but do you know what that means?

if there is one thing you regretted

that would be not living my own life up till university, and sometimes even now.
listening to what others expect of me and how my life should go about.

that was my regret up till now.


i was replaying the events and sequence of my wedding programme in my head nowadays.
i really want a thank you speech.
and whenever i replay the things i wanna say,
the things i wanna say most about was you,
ah ma.

that you should be here witnessing this moment.
especially for mine.
because you are one of my largest impact to who i have become today.
my values and characters.
largely are you.

and everytime i rewind this in my head,
i would tear. in my eyes, in my heart, inside me.

will you see me from above?

imy.