it will never get easier

it is so hard to say
to say that i will trust you wholly
and little things like this will not happen again

not because you're in the wrong
or im in the wrong
just some part of me
i dont want to care anymore

i dont want to care the fact that
so many things i could care
but i dont need to anymore

and so
it will not happen
from today onwards
i promise not you
but myself

but do you know what that means?

if there is one thing you regretted

that would be not living my own life up till university, and sometimes even now.
listening to what others expect of me and how my life should go about.

that was my regret up till now.


i was replaying the events and sequence of my wedding programme in my head nowadays.
i really want a thank you speech.
and whenever i replay the things i wanna say,
the things i wanna say most about was you,
ah ma.

that you should be here witnessing this moment.
especially for mine.
because you are one of my largest impact to who i have become today.
my values and characters.
largely are you.

and everytime i rewind this in my head,
i would tear. in my eyes, in my heart, inside me.

will you see me from above?

imy.